Irina Baranov is a Life Coach and Director of Communications at Council for Relationships, the nation’s oldest and largest relationship counseling agency. She earned her BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and received her Life Coach training at the world-renowned Coach Training Institute.
Irina lives just outside of Philadelphia, PA with her amazing husband of 17 years, and her pinch-me-I’m-so-lucky-they’re-mine children.

We’ve all been there. Moving along in our busy lives. We work, play and love like the adult women that we are, and then bam–one conversation with our mothers or fathers takes us right back to age 12.

We hang up the phone and shake our heads. “What was that? Why does she/he push my buttons like that?”

As a life coach, I have an unusual answer: Who knows, and who cares? I know, I know … not very therapeutic. But that’s why I’m not a therapist. Personally, I’m not interested in figuring out the “why.” That’s the domain of other qualified professionals. I’m interested in figuring out the “how” and “what” and “who.”

How do you want to handle your interactions with Mom or Dad in the future?

What do you need to learn, know, get, give, experience or accept to make that happen?

Who do you want to be as an adult daughter?

Simple questions. But simple doesn’t equal easy. This is tough stuff. Relationships are complicated, and layered with history, complex emotions, assumptions, wants and needs. But at the end of the day, we all want the same thing – we want to be less reactive and more intentional about our interactions. We want our words and actions to actually reflect the wishes in our hearts. So here are a few tips to help…

Aim for friendship. Now that you’re an adult, you don’t really need to be parented. You might need your parents to be your avid cheerleaders, your gentle critics, your confidants, your sounding boards or just a soft place to land from time to time when life gets hard. Sounds an awful lot like friendship, doesn’t it? So cultivate that. Learn more about them as people, not just parents. Let them get to know you on a different level than just their child. Try to discover the friend in each other.

Learn their story. There’s a saying that goes something like “if you knew.. really knew.. someone’s life story, everything about them would make perfect sense.” Yes, we’re baffled by some of our parents’ quirks. But try to put your annoyance aside for an afternoon or an evening and spend some one-on-one time to learn about their history. Ask about their childhood, adolescence and early adulthood. Find out the story of who they were before you were born. You might be surprised at how much understanding and compassion you’ll have as a result of that conversation.

Work on your own reactivity. There’s a huge difference between responding and reacting. Reaction typically sounds like this: “I can’t believe you’re talking to me like this! I can’t take it anymore!”, while a response might sound like this: “OK, I hear you. It sounds like you’re worried about me. Would you care to say more?” Not easy. But doable. We can absolutely cultivate a more responsive vs. reactive approach. It takes intention and practice (and forgiveness when you just can’t do it).

Figure out who you want to be in this relationship. This is a big question. I recommend working through it with either a trusted friend, therapist or life coach. Journaling also helps. The goal is to arrive at a place that feels authentic and alive, and leaves you feeling energized and proud of the image of yourself as the adult daughter you want to be.

In working with clients who hike up this particular mountain, as well as being an adult daughter myself, I know how challenging the climb can be. Sometimes you have to stop, catch your breath and drink some water. I wish you good luck, good self-care, good learnings, good intentions and good results on your journey. You have the power to change things.. you really do.

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