Melanie Mar is a celebrity life coach and certified communication coach who specializes in teaching behavior modification techniques and effective communication. She has worked closely with elite businessmen and celebrities, and will be featured on TV as the life coach of a Beverly Hills-based reality show star this fall 2011. Melanie lives in Los Angeles, Calif. Learn more about Melanie on Facebook.

Putting aside common concerns that pile on stress – money worries, getting the children to bed on time, balancing a career with maintaining a healthy relationship and more – it is highly likely the tension in one’s life is directly linked to another person, whether it be a tyrant boss, an irritating family member or a much-loved partner who seems intent on rubbing you the wrong way.

So how do you tell someone they have hurt your feelings, their actions are unacceptable, or you are no longer willing to tolerate their behavior without adding more fuel to the fire? Have you ever stopped for to consider how you communicate when angry, upset, hurt or trying to vent a frustration? Many people tend to lose control, raise their voice, say things they don’t mean or end up in floods of tears when communicating during stressful times. A pattern of this will most certainly be damaging to all relationships, as well as cause cortisol levels to rise and, ultimately, make you feel miserable and exhausted.

Only 15 percent of communication is verbal. The other 85 percent is comprised of non-verbal communication including facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice. This balance makes it imperative individuals and couples learn to express thoughts and feelings verbally in a logical, not emotional, way.

1. Feel, think and act

As humans, our general response to situations that cause us angst is to feel the pain, react to the situation negatively or sarcastically and later think about the situation with regret for things said in anger.

Feel – “You just said or did something that hurt me.”
Think – “How can I get back at you or hurt you in the same way?”
Act – “I really feel badly for acting hurtfully. Now I need to make amends.”

The healthier way to deal with the same situation is to feel the pain, think about it in a rational way before retaliating in anger and acting in a way that acknowledges the other person’s thoughts and feelings that led to the initial problem.

Feel – “You just said or did something that hurt me.”
Think – “OK, that didn’t feel good – why do I feel this way and how do I want to see it resolved?”
Act – “You have the right to feel and think the way you did. Let’s talk about it.”

The worst thing a person can do is to feel, think, feel, think, feel, think with no reaction or action. This is called rumination and over time can literally make you physically sick.

2. Give the other person the right to their words and actions

Giving the other person the right to do or say something leaves them with no place to go and stops conflict before it starts. Do not confuse this with allowing them to treat you in a disrespectful way. When done correctly this is a powerful tool to use in your every day life.

During conflict, the best way to respond is: You have every right to do that/say that; however, it makes me uncomfortable/upset/angry.

If the person tries to continue the attack, repeat the sentiment and add, “I will take this lack of respect until I cannot take it it anymore and then I will leave.”

This makes your position clear, not giving the other person any room to engage further In their crusade to argue while still treating them respectfully. You are in control of your life and can accept or reject behavior and treatment, but do not tolerate it.

3. Use cross talk

In order to have a mutually beneficial conversation dealing with conflict in a rational manner, all parties involved can deepen intimacy and open communication by using cross talk, or complimentary communication. This especially helps when dealing with male and female energies. Complimentary communication allows each party to communicate in a way that relates to the other person and diffuses emotion.

Here’s an example when dealing with a man who is showing signs of displeasure.

Ask: “I sense from the tone of your voice/facial expressions/gestures that you are upset. What can I do to makes us better?”

He responds: “Nothing”

Answer: “OK, when you are think you are ready to discuss it let me know.”

On the flip side, here is an example when dealing with a woman who is showing signs of being upset.

Ask: “II sense from the tone of your voice/ facial expressions/gestures that you are upset. What can I do to make you feel better?”

She responds: “Nothing”

Answer: “Ok, when you feel like you are ready to discuss it let me know.”

Notice the slight difference in addressing men versus women. The reason for this is that generally speaking men are running on their left lobe of the brain which is the thinking and acting side. Women generally run from the right lobe, the feeling and emotional side.

These three tools not only will change the way you respond to others also how they respond to you. They take time and practice, but by implementing this form of communication you will live a happier, calmer life with less stress in your relationships.

Speak rationally. Decide rationally. Disagree rationally.

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